A lot of getting used to

I cried hard. For me to cry that hard would mean I was either so hurt or so lonely.

I felt a mix of both betrayal and loneliness.

For several weeks now that I have left and moved to a new place, I have been trying to catch up with the friends I left. I was missing them, terribly, missing pretty much everything there. But the feeling that I feared feeling again came up. The dilemma that leaving people would make them forget me. That not being with the friends I normally get to spend a lot of my time with will make them exclude me from the normalcy I was once very comfortable with.

I know it is petty that I cried over some shit. I mean, G's my friend and I owe her the understanding that it was a promise she made. I am not mad at her for not telling me, I just got sad that I am faced with that dilemma again. Over the years those things do happen to me and everytime it happens, it never fails to bring the worst out of me.

But this time, I realized I am lonely because I have a problem of letting go. I have always found moving on very hard, that even if the choice was mine, I still couldn't be more helpful for myself to settle down with the choices I made. I am in a new environment and I am like a fish trying to live on land. I miss the sea, I miss the water, I miss the place where I once moved freely. But I brought my fish self to land, to live and fend for myself knowing that this is where I will be doing much better. There are no fish I could be with, and I am struggling to fit in the world I have lived before.

I really never liked this feeling, of being alone and starting over, but this is something I have got to get used to. Settle with the choice. Strive to survive. Make new friends and continue loving all the friends I have and will soon have.

I am sorry G. It's never you fault. I love you.